Relationships Revival Site - If You’re Gonna Play Games, Best Have a Game Plan

Relationships are the most exciting and challenging aspects of our lives.

Sometimes they send us ecstatic and sometimes they send us scatty.

Whether you’re hot under the collar or hot in the bedroom, often depends on how you deal with conflict.

What are the three things you and your partner are most likely to argue about?

Ask yourself, in connection with each of these three things separately, are you ever going to change your views on this? Is your partner ever going to change viewpoints on this? What is the best compromise?

Always take into account the emotional and mental health challenges of those around you. Does one or both of you have depression, or an anxiety related disorder? If so, they will have difficulty with the storage and usage of serotonin (the feel-good hormone), and they’ll find it hard to return to emotional baseline after conflict.

A person with serotonin storage problems might, for instance, fear conflict and assume that conflict will lead to abandonment, particularly if they’ve been abandoned before. For those bereaved as children, that fear of loss is likely to be stronger and they’ll either retreat or build a defence worthy of attack.

When you fall out with your partner, do you question whether you really want to be with this person?

As a highly emotional individual, you may be continually or even compulsively, evaluating things, people, life …

Life isn’t either good or bad.

Relationships aren’t either right or wrong; they go well sometimes, and they go badly at other times.

There is middle ground, and you can find it, together.

Conflict will occur in every relationship. Your partner doesn’t have to agree with your every opinion or behaviour, in order to love and support you. It’s ok to argue, but it’s handy to have a game plan.

What if your game plan could be pre-arranged?

When things are good between you, it is a good idea to sit down and agree some rules for conflict times.

What ineffective method have you previously used in arguments? Would you be willing to agree never again to use that tactic?

It’s cruel to say things like “Well maybe we should just finish it”, or “Why don’t you just walk away, then?”, during conflict, even if that’s what you feel at the time. It’s normal to feel that way, but unkind to say it.

How realistic is it, to agree not to shout in an argument? Not very, probably … but you can agree to ban certain words, not to mention each other’s parents … all sorts of agreements can be made about your arguing technique.

While pre-agreeing your argument game plan, remember not to criticise the other person, and if you can find something to validate, praise them. Show that you are doing this not just for you, but for them too, because you never want to hurt your partner.

My argument game plan has a complete embargo on bringing up the past, labeling or name-calling. We have to stay on the subject we started about, or write down the next topic and put it in our fights bag, for next time. Sometimes we even take a topic from the fights bag for fun! This helps me to see that confrontation doesn't kill, and it's better to live with an hour of heated argument than a lifetime of things which are not as you want them.

Using your partner’s emotional or mental health problems against them, is totally unacceptable, as is using something confided in confidence when you felt good about each other.

Try not to opt for premature closure of conflict, with “I can’t cope with this conversation” or “That’s it, I’m closing the subject now.”

Try to stay calm, if you can, and avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’, which come from the Child within you. Try to stay in Adult and not lean towards Child (it’s-not-fair!) or controlling parent (you-really-should…)

If one partner ends up crying, it is good policy for the other one to be quiet for 15 minutes and just listen.

Mid-argument, try to set your feelings aside and really HEAR your partner’s feelings. Repeat what they just said, saying “So you’re saying ….”. Often if they’re very angry, they might have said something they didn’t mean and this will give them an opportunity to reply “Well, what I meant was …”

Ideally, nobody should walk out in the middle of an argument, but exceptions can be made according to each individual’s personality, so that you both feel safe. Perhaps you can agree a signal for ‘time-out’ and both go to pre-arranged zones for a cool-off time. Promise in advance to accept the other’s signal, regardless.

Feed in some positive statements like “I don’t agree with you, but I do love you.” And whatever you do, don’t fall in the trap of “I love you when you’re angry!” because that’s when the pots and pans are about to start flying, without the aid of a poltergeist!

By Dr Neomie Da Costa B. Msc.D.